3. Not having a condom. How? How does this still happen? I don’t care if you thought there was no way in hell you’d be taking someone home tonight, because you just did. Condoms are cheap and available at every corner store and oh, they’re also nonnegotiable. Do not stop. Do not pass vagina. Go directly to the nearest bodega.
4. Not reciprocating oral. A pox on any of you who still somehow believe it is acceptable to receive and not give. This doesn’t mean everyone will take you up on your offer — contrary to popular belief, not everyone on the face of this planet likes oral from strangers, or oral at all. But do offer. Didn’t your mother teach you to share?
5. Not using your damn words. Just stop. Stop it with the Blow Job Head Push, in which you "subtly" apply pressure to the top of my head as if I am secretly a blow job vending machine who will wrap my lips around your junk no questions asked if only you find the right spot to press. Stop it with the Suggestive Pelvic Thrust, in which you angle your pelvis toward mine in hopes that I’ll just let you slide right in. Use your words and don’t tell me words aren’t sexy. "I would love to feel your lips on my dick/[insert body part here]" is as effective a way of getting head as "Excuse me, but would you terribly mind performing fellatio/cunnilingus on me?" and so much more appealing.
6. Pretend that nothing happened if you go soft. Sometimes penises go soft mid-sex. It’s not a big deal. Seriously. Alcohol, nerves, fatigue, and more can get the better of hard-ons. But do we both have to pretend that nothing happened and stop all activity? Don’t fall over yourself apologizing (it’s obviously not your fault) or insist loudly that this has never, ever happened before (of course it has), but a casual "Let’s try [insert other activity here] until I’m hard again" is appreciated — I’ll know you’re not embarrassed so I don’t have to feel embarrassed either and I’ll know you’re still interested in making me feel good. Hot.
7. Not asking me if I need anything after. Whom do I have to sleep with to get a glass of water around here? Or directions to the bathroom? Yes, I can ask you for these things, and I will. But it’s noticed when you offer. Especially if you do it before you pass out, leaving me lying next to you desperately thirsty in a rando’s dark apartment.
8. Assuming you’re staying over. I don’t even like sharing a bed with a boyfriend until months into the relationship, after it’s been established that I will be taking up two-thirds of the bed and stealing the covers and he will just have to deal with it for the privilege of waking up next to me. So don’t ask me if you can use my toothbrush. I just met you. I’m sure you’re great, but I need my sleep, not eight hours of spooning with you. If you ask me really, really nicely if you can stay, I’ll still say no, but I’ll say it with a sweet smile and even pay for your Uber home.
Well, please do noted it guys! Just don't forget to always play it safe!