In this age of awkward boob-twisting (they're not doorknobs) and shower sex that didn't pan out like you'd hoped (does it ever?), fingering is a lost art.
To help us revive that lost art to its former glory, I asked several queer friends to tell me everything they love and don't love about double clicking someone else's mouse.
2. What you like might be the complete opposite of what she likes. I've found this to be true with a lot of women because we're all so damn different. I had an ex who loved having her clit jackhammered, which was odd to me since that's my personal idea of hell. But I just rolled with it and trusted that she really did love that and I wasn't secretly torturing her. Different strokes, man. In the most literal sense.
3. If all else fails, have her show you what she likes. Victoria, 33, host of the sex podcast Livin' and Lovin' in NYC says that if you're comfortable with a partner, it can be helpful to have them straight-up show you how they like to touch themselves. This is pretty much the only sex act where you can ask someone to show you how they do it (good luck getting someone to do that with cunnilingus), so use that! Plus, as Victoria adds, "It's also hot to watch."
4. Switch up how you touch her. While it's great to get into a rhythm that you know works for your partner, Kendra still recommends trying some new moves once in a while. Kendra says, "Go from lightly rubbing her clit to swirling around it with your middle finger. Or move in and out of her vagina with two fingers while circling her clitoris with your thumb. You can easily get an orgasm out of someone with your hands if you want to."
5. Don't actually "bang" her with your fingers. Just because it's sometimes referred to as "finger-banging" doesn't mean you should literally do that. Plus, Kendra adds, "Moving in and out super-fast like you're poking a fish tank with just one finger doesn't really do anything. It gets you excited that something might happen and then you're just sitting there awkwardly." And sadly, it's that kind of fingering that leads women to believe they hate fingering. Remember, it's a finger and not a penis. Use that to your advantage and hit her clit, then go into her vagina, or move your fingers around her vulva. It truly is a 'choose your own adventure' of sex acts.
6. No, there's not just one fingering position. Victoria recommends having the person you're fingering lie on top of your fingers (or hand) and push themselves against it. Not only is it hot, but it's also another great way to feel out where they like to be touched without having to specifically ask.
7. You have two hands. Use them both. Whether that means you're playing with her boobs with one hand or running your fingers through her hair while touching her clitoris, you have two hands at your disposal. Don't waste them.
8. Cut. Your. Freaking. Nails. So many queer friends have been scratched by a girl (and yes, that means scratched in their vagina), and it is the worst. Kendra says she's even had someone draw blood and then ask if she was on her period. She had to tell them, "No, hon. You clawed my vagina." If your fingers are going near a vagina any time soon, cut those nails, dude.
9. Wash your hands, please! Molly C. says: “Your fingers are literally going inside my body. I should emphasize, a very chemically sensitive part of my body. Once that chemistry is thrown off balance, even a little, it ruins my whole week. It would be so hot if you respected my health and took two seconds to wash your hands before getting in there."
10. Don’t ignore the clit, as most vaginas need clit stimulation to orgasm. One anonymous friend says she likes to keep one finger on the clit and another on the inner labia. She adds, “Some people are more sensitive and don't like direct slit stimulation so it's important to ask your partner what they prefer, or simply follow body signals to understand their preference. I enjoy it the most when partners are enjoying themselves while pleasuring me, so moaning and trying to have fun while you're doing it is also a plus.The whole vagina is very sensitive and it's easier to orgasm when more than one spot is activated, which I think a lot of people overlook. ”
11. Start slow. Mia Davis, a sex expert from Talk Tabú, suggests pressing lightly on the vulva, towards the clitoris and then imaging yourself as an orchestra conductor for fingering inside the vagina. “Wave the baton — aka your finger(s)— with a smooth, gliding motion along the walls of the vagina. Poking/jabbing does not create beautiful music (unless of course, your partner says that’s their preference.)
12. Try the “come hither” gesture. Mia also suggests curling your index and middle fingers gently back and forth inside your partner’s vagina.
13. Don’t forget the lube! Mia says, “as with all penetrative acts, the wetter, the better.” Adding lube so you can slip your fingers inside with less friction, will make everyone happier. And if you’re switching between vaginal and anal fingering, wash your hands to avoid transferring any bacteria.
Ready to try? Just don't forget to play it safe!